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Tender · Traitor
shut your eyes
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an interesting month or so, with little to report. i attended a luau themed sushi dinner where the food was served off of live nude models. i had to reschedule my skydiving class because the plane was down. i rode standing up on the back of a motorcycle in the gay pride parade with Dykes on Bikes with a guy in full body armour while waving a real sword over my head. my father went in and out of surgery. my friend from Finland is coming to visit for two weeks as of tomorrow. i've attended birthday parties, barbecues, parades, and festivals. i'm going to the Tall Ships Festival this weekend, attending a Burning Man picnic this Sunday, and a Shapoopie Party next weekend. through all of it, you know what I'm most excited about? getting to sleep in tomorrow morning. |
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I hate debt.
It's a parasite. A virus. A tapeworm up the ass of adventure. |
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apparently i'm going to new york in two weeks for a few days. i say apparently, because i was essentially told, hey, we're going, it's going to be fun, you fly for free, and we're staying here --> http://www.marrakechhotelnyc.com/gallery.htmli should add that i met this guy two weeks ago, and no, we're not dating... and yes, he knows that. i don't get it either.
Current Mood: |
 confused | |
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at some point when i wasn't paying attention, this whole 'dating' thing got a lot more complicated. the rules changed, and now i'm not sure how to play. mostly, i just feel confused (in a fascinated kind of way). or maybe guys get elusive with age. or i get finicky. maybe it's the city. or all of the above? i'm beginning to wonder how on earth people stay content with people long enough to marry and have families. everyone i meet seems to just be crazy. maybe i've just hit that age where "all the good ones have been taken" and there's a reason everyone else is single still. aw damn... that means i'm one of those crazies, eh? guess i'll have to find me a fellow crazy. but no rush. |
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'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
if only my mangled brain could plaster the words I'd like to say on this screen without me having to type. life certainly isn't dull... no, i haven't been able to say that for some time now. maybe i should write a book, "how to avoid homicidal outbursts by swearing profusely." maybe "it all started with a walk." maybe i'll just stare at the screen for a while longer... .............................................................................. ...I've been in Seattle for one year, one month, and three days now. This is only important because that is exactly six months, thirty-three days longer than I had hoped to be here. Seattle was just the easiest place to land after my travels. I had (some) friends 'in the region,' knew the city relatively well from living nearby my whole life, and was under the impression that the job market would be better in a city than anywhere rural, and Seattle was the least intimidating city. I've been comtemplating the options for a while, now, but I haven't come to any clear decisions. This has been bothering me quite a bit, actually. I feel useless, and like I'm wasting talent. I just wish I knew what that talent is! I can't seem to find anything that I'd really like to pursue, my 'passion,' as it were. I can't find my passion? When put that way, it's a little depressing. What do I feel passionate about... well, nothing that coule translate into a career. I want to go somewhere and do something, but I can't figure out where or what. So I sit in Seattle and kill time, hoping one day it'll dawn on me. I'm all about seizing the day, but I can't find the damn day to begin with. I've never been so frustrated.
Current Mood: |
 nauseated |
Current Music: |
Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line | |
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Found a few videos of the massive explosion I was talking about before, it's an art installation called "Crude Awakening" and it's of a large oil derrick being worshipped by people down below. They burnt it after the man, and it's easily the biggest explosion I've ever seen. Mushroom cloud, yay! This gives you somewhat of an idea - though I'd fast forward to about 2:45. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWGx0PhDGlU |
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work ethics
I applied for a job with McMenamin's (pub) on Thursday, when I had called in sick to my current job. That evening, I received a call from their HR department, requesting an interview on Friday, which I accepted. It went well, and a second interview was requested with the hiring manager for Saturday (today). I was hired on the spot, with enthusiasm. I was expecting the job-hunt process to take a lot longer. Weeks, maybe months. I was expecting that, if I did in fact get this job, to have to really work to prove myself worthy of cross-training... not of being offered to be cross-trained my first day during orientation. I was expecting a pay cut with tips, I was definitely not expecting 401k, paid vacation, and full benefits. Now I'm torn. I think I'm going to ask the hiring manager if I can start out nights during training, and work my way towards full-time - so I can really ease myself from one place to another without just wrenching myself into another existance. I admit, I'm intimidated. I wish I knew what my starting pay is going to be... I'll ask. It just makes me nervous not knowing, when I make so much at the bakery. Gruh. I decided to make the switch, but I expected to have to put more time and effort into it - this was too easy! I'm not ready! Yeah, okay, maybe I am. Change is good. |
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Burning Man, 2007
Where to start? I knew what to expect, but it was still amazing. A full lunar eclipse the night of the full moon. A triple rainbow. Hot air balloon rides. Two burns. One suicide. Two of the biggest dust storms they've ever had. Rain and thunder. 
Or what about the mushroom cloud explosion of magnanimus proportions? The tree made of bones, the scavenger hunt that included things like "a naked virgin," "a top-loading VCR," and "someone hippy flipping"? I biked probably 50+ miles per day, easily. I saw eight sunrises, and the corresponding sunsets. I'm going to be in a book. I was poured a vodka tonic out of a dildo, and declared honorarily Canadian. I chased dust tornados, and watched one of them rip a camp apart and throw it half a mile away. Quotes from the event: "Go down a ways, and when you see the Golden Dragon on the right, look for the blue cloud and make a left, go past the monkey bike, and we're on an orange blanket" "You know, he is the skinniest guy with the most beautiful valuptious man boobs Ive ever seen, I am going to ask to touch them..." "I am NOT naked, I'm wearing a monster." As I was walking through one of the white-out dust storms, I said to no one in particular (as I couldn't see anything three inches in front of me): "This is so surreal. I feel like I'm on a different planet." From somewhere in the dust comes the invisible reply, "you ARE on a different planet." "I am nature's bitch" (After seeing a bumper sticker saying "Welcome to Burning Man, where nature makes a serious attempt to kill you!" "Dude, I couldnt believe it when the jawa's landcruiser stopped and a pack of giraffe spilled out being chased by naked midgets with hard-ons!"
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Funny how things always seem to turn up okay. Turns out I don't need a shock collar. In fact I was very well-behaved once I removed my head from my ass. All is well in my little corner of the universe. But event after event has made me lose too much sleep. Naptime.
Current Mood: |
 sleepy | |
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It would appear I am making an impression. Win and lose. It seems as though this is the beginning of a new era. Fascinating... and intimidating.
Current Mood: |
 curious |
Current Music: |
Lily Allen - Knock 'Em Out | |
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A few things are coming to light for me. You know how life lessons have a tendency to repeat problems until you solve the albeit 'big' issue? Yeah, I'm trying to figure those out. Lengthy, and difficult, process... and I'm not certain I like the answer... but that's a good step towards sanity. Trying to understand myself is a very interesting process. So many intricasies to discover. People always think I'm being vague or mysterious; I'm not. I just don't know either.
Current Mood: |
 tired | |
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sometimes, logic fails me.
today is one of those days. last night, bryan flew out of seatac airport, back to vermont. in a few months he'll be working in the carribean, and i don't have a clue when i'll see him again, if ever. part of me is, in a way, relieved. another part of me feels as though letting him go might have been the biggest mistake i've made so far. meanwhile i need to make a decision on whether or not i'm going to accept my admission to this graduate program, whether or not i'm going to burning man, and whether or not i'm going to go on this california event for work. for some reason i always lead myself to believe that these kinds of decisions are easy. then i make them, and end up all kind of emotional once they're said and done. i'm trying to date, to reach out... but the standard has been set pretty damn high. i'm trying to get over this bryan character who is no longer a part of my life... there's been a lot of speculation, a lot of talk... but now that it's said and done? a clenching of the throat and too many memories. ever get that feeling like you might have fucked up?
Current Music: |
julie delpy - waltz for a night | |
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ironically, on my previous list of maybe I might's, this wasn't a consideration. as of two days ago i have officially applied for a study abroad graduate program, the scholar ship i talked about a while ago... and never applied for. with four days left to apply, i decided to. before even getting accepted into the program or having my fafsa evaluated, i've been pre-approved for a 9k grant. so, maybe i'll go to graduate school for a few months, and have enough student loans left over to travel around and do several of the above for a bit afterwards. wouldn't that be ideal. this school would take me everywhere from shanghai, to tahiti, to ecuador, to portugal, to new zealand and australia. on the other hand, if i could just get a loan for the same amount of money and NOT go to school with it, i could go to about, oh, 20 more countries on the same cash... are there any random low-apr loans out there like that? 'cause really, as awesome as some graduate credit would be, i'd really rather go on my own terms for a lot cheaper. i think i would learn more, too. seems like there should be some loophole, somewhere, that would finance some sort of language school or something. there's always a loophole; i'm just having trouble locating this one. |
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weeks on end without time to process. now, aloneness. i'm tired, but my mind is active as always. i've begun a list of places i want to see, things i want to do. instead of the desired result - motivation - it's actually discouraged me somewhat, thinking of all the places i might never see just due to financial reasons. the things i want to do cost money that takes a long time to earn. impatient me, but i'm tired of waiting and killing time. bryan came back for a couple of weeks. he leaves again soon, but this time it's on an 'i might never see him again' basis. i don't like that. the past year has been interesting enough... i've dated, expanded my horizons, met new people, and came to the realization that i'm really just not interested in forming something like that right now. i've got too much on my plate as is, and that's a full-time preoccupational task. besides, i have a tendency to spend more money when people are around, so i'm encouraging myself to be thrifty and reclusive for a time. after speaking with my uncle, i may start some investments as well. in any case, the present result is... this. though patterns. frustration. motivated confusion. gruh.
Current Music: |
plain white t's - hey there delilah | |
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fulminate \FUL-muh-nayt\, transitive verb:
1. To cause to explode.
2. To utter or send out with denunciations or censures. |
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humpday hollows
hm. interesting week. old friends, inhebriations, deep philosophical talks, zombies, and very strange luck. ....
hm.
Current Music: |
Muse - Escape | |
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friday and some years
-today I accepted an offered promotion at work. I'm being transferred to a different store, where I will be the kitchen manager. along with this comes a $1.50 raise, and the freedom to run the kitchen MY way, with use of four-five minions to do my bidding. i start monday. -tonight i pick alex and karynne up from the airports, coming from florida and new orleans respectively. i'm nervous about seeing alex, but counting the minutes with anticipation. -tomorrow i have a date. with a girl. she's pretty, and i'm so nervous it's like being in middle school again. -tomorrow i also turn 22. -in 12 days, Bryan gets back. -in 12 days, I also get a new tattoo. I designed it myself. all in all, life continues to intrigue and fascinate me. it isn't all roses, but i still find myself flush from time to time.
Current Mood: |
 nervous |
Current Music: |
Shpongle - Room 23 | |
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Only Monday, and what a very interesting week it's shaping up to be already... |
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Today while stopped in traffic, a woman in the car next to me rolled down her window to yell at me. Turning down my music, I indicated I hadn't heard. Her: "I like your dice!"
Me: "Thank you!"
Her: "And you're beautiful!"
Me: "Thank you!" Certainly made me smile.
Current Mood: |
 friendly | |
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quisatz's journal
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